Nightmare's Guide to Writing a Craptasticular Fanfic!
by A-Dream's-Nightmare
Summary: Because anytime the words 'fantastic' and 'spectacular' are combined, it's synonymous with 'crap'.
1. Craptasticular

Intro:

As quite possibly the only writer her who welcomes and revels in flames, I am quite disappointed that I have received none. So I've decided to write the most offensive thing I could think of. And because it amuses me to do so.

So flame away my beloved followers, my disciples! Just know that if you take this guide to heart, please know that I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for your parents. I'm sorry for your elementary teacher. I'm sorry for the store down the street from you from which you buy your paper and pen.

Also, I have hidden pop culture references within each and every chapter. The game is to find them all and whoever shall do so wins a prize. Should you be a reader of my other stories, then your prize will be spoilers of upcoming chapters.


	2. Penname Awesomesauce

Step One: Come up with a completely cliche penname, yet is 0.0001% original, so you claim copyright.

OMG! You're new at this site and writing your very first fanfic. Congratulations, you've taken that big step from fantasizing about your favorite character, to honoring the original author with your own rendition of their well thought out story. But first, a penname.

You may be American, but you love anime (otherwise you wouldn't be here) so your penname _must_ be an uber-long Japanese phrase that makes no sense whatsoever.

_Akachi Usagi no Tsuki:_ the red blood rabbit of the moon? Go ahead, it's original! And completely ignore that it may be grammatically incorrect; no one will care! They will be too impressed that you know actual Japanese words!

Translating too hard for you? No problem! Just say out loud what your favorite shipping is. Fan of Sasuke and Sakura? Why not try 'SasuSaku4Ever77'? That way, everyone will know right away where you stand and if they disagree with the pairing, then they can just go burn in Hell.

Congrats, you now have a penname. So go ahead, take a day to get accustomed to your account and what all those buttons and tabs to the left do. And tomorrow, you'll be ready to bless the world with your brilliant story!

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	3. Disclaimer

Step Two: Disclaimer

Don't forget the disclaimer, because lawyers will be looking on this site (dedicated to ppl who don not own the characters that they are writing about) for people to sue. Feel free to put in all caps or make unnecessarily long. Maybe hint at what you'd do if you _did_ own the Naruto-universe. Or, and perhaps add dialogue from your favorite characters.

_Sakura: Usagi-chan would like everyone to know that she does not own Naruto or anything related._

_Usagi-chan: THAT'S RIGHT! SO NO SUING OR ANYTHING CUZ THAT HONOR GOES TO THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MASASHI KISHIMOTO!_

_Sasuke: This is where I say something emo, moody, and overall annoying and then girls swoon before me. But then I praise Usagi-chan and proclaim how much I love her._

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	4. Mary Sue's and Marty Stu's

Step Three: OC (Original Character)

You're finally ready to write your very first fanfic. You have your penname, you've disclaimed ownership, but wait! There's more! You need a character! Nevermind that the original author already has a cast of well thought out and functional characters, but none of them are _you_. And as the number one fan (sorry, _otaku_, because you are now part Japanese simply because of your love of anime), you should be a part of this wonderful universe.

But it's just _so_ hard to gently incorporate an OC (namely, yourself) into a storyline, so it's just easier to patch together a profile in 5 minutes and post it as a profile for the first chapter.

Name: Justine

Age: 16

Hair: Hip length long; jet black

Eyes: Red

Personality: BAMF (Bad Ass Mo-Fo!)

The name has to be your own (because it's you) and an english name, despite this world being Japanese with Japanese names and customs. Cuz it's cooler this way to have an 'original and unique' name.

_Naruto: Justine? That's a cool name! I've never heard it before._

_Justine: Yeah, I'm from a far far away land called America. I just moved here for no reason whatsoever._

The age also has to match the age of the character you fall in love with, because then it's _proper_. Naruto is 16, so you _have_ to be 16 (even if you're really a 12 year old schoolgirl who is crushing hard over the lovable blonde). Because if you're younger, then he won't take you seriously and won't see you for the smoking hot baby you truly are. But you can't be _older_, because then you're a cougar for preying on younger men. An 18 year old OC and 16 year old Naruto? Scandalous!

Completely disregard any fics of age-gap couples, such as ItaSaku. (He's five years her senior; why I do believe that is pedophilia). Also disregard that yours truly is guilty of this shipping.

Hair. It must be long. Insanely long. Impractically long. Don't question it, just make it long. And it should never get tangled or snarled, despite getting into some all out battles with the wind blowing. Because your hair is amazing and it never gets snarled. And should the apocalypse happen and it _does_, then have a super fluffy scene with your beau offering to brush your gorgeous hair.

Eyes, they can't be generic. So no brown, green (unless like emeralds or have cat eye slits for pupils), blue (unless they match Naruto's), or hazel. Violet is nice; you don't see it often. Red or white is better, cuz then it looks like Sharingan or Byakugan and that is fucking awesome. Or maybe make your eyes change color depending on your mood. Mad Eye Moods!

And this is the most important thing of all: your OC has to be _perfect_. A complete BAMF with no faults or weaknesses at all, cuz everyone will love them and think they're the best person ever. They will be so fucking amazing that every other boy will be falling in love with them. And those who don't are obviously gay.

Also, it's important to have an epic background. But it should be of no fault to the OC. They were the perfect child; loved by all. Until their parents died in some tragic, yet unoriginal, way and suddenly, everybody hate the orphan.

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	5. Script Writer

Step 4: Script Writing

Because writing actual sentences and paragraphs is _hard_, why not make it easier and just write everything in script? Everyone will love you for it cuz it will save them the trouble of ready extra 'pesky' words. And you'll look so professional because you're writing like an actual movie script writer. Maybe, if your plot is amazing enough, the original author will stumble upon and read your story. And they will love it so much that they'll want to use your ideas and turn it into a TV show. And _look_, it's already in script form for them!

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	6. Ramblings of the author

Step Five: A/N (Author's Note)

Don't forget to write a long and pointless paragraph (the only one found in your story) at the beginning introducing yourself. Describe yourself, your looks, your hometown, your hobbies, and the fact that it's 2AM and you're running on 5 days of sleep (and counting!) because you're awesome like that.

_A/N: Hi everybody, this is my very first story so be nice, ok? I'm really proud of this and think it may be the best thing I've ever written, maybe better than Shakespeare! It's 2AM and I'm tired, so please forgive any grammatical erros._

And then proceed to make every grammatical error known to mankind. Also, use text lingo. Everybody loves text lingo.

At the end of your amazing story, add another A/N begging for reviews and cookies. Feel free to put in caps-lock.

_A/N: OMG, I AM SO PROUD OF THIS STORY! IT TOOK A WHOLE HOUR TO RITE, BUT THE BEST HOUR OF MY LIFE! PLEASE R&R!11! BUT NO FLAMES BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME CRY! I WILL GIVE MY FIRSTBORN IF YOU FAVORITE MY STORY!1!1!_

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	7. OOC

Step Six: OOC (Out of Character)

Please make sure that no one is acting like they normally would. So Sasuke should be completely lovestruck by your OC and a completely fluffy gentleman. Sakura is a complete and total whiny bitch who is sadly weak and useless. Naruto can be emo. Kabuto is prancing through a field of flowers, singing 'The Sound of Music'. And Orochimaru took ballet.

Alternatively, simplify their personalities to the point of stereotypical. Sasuke becomes so emo that his vocabulary is reduced to 'emo emo emo' and 'I hate my life. All of you can just go crawl in a hole and _die_.'. Sakura is total fangirl and she and Ino obsess over anyone and anything. Naruto becomes full retard, despite the warnings of 'don't ever go full retard'. Kakashi is lazy as Hell and remains in the same spot for the entire story. And Orochimaru has developed an evil genius laugh.

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	8. Horny Bastards

Step Seven: Horny Bastards

Your OC is perfect, right? So every male specimen will be falling head over heels for them. And because they're boys, all of them can only think about one thing: sex.

_Naruto: I need to become stronger so I can become Hoka- Oh, is that Justine? Man, she' s so hawt, I just wanna tap that all nite long._

Don't forget to mess up spelling to your own liking.


	9. Consensual Rape?

Step Eight: Consensual Rape?

Because everbody (even evil bastards) are in love with your OC, it's assumed that one of them will try to sex up your character. The trick is to use a really really hot man, such as Sasuke. So he has sex with your OC, despite her being in a relationship with Naruto. But because Sasuke is so hot, your OC likes it the whole time and doesn't bother to stop him. Even though she's all powerful with some almighty kekkei genkai or can control all of the elements. (*cough*Slut*cough*)

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	10. Lemonade and Sugary Goodness

Step Nine: Lemons

Even though all of your fan boys can only think about sex, you can't actually write explicit sex scenes, because you're only 12 and a virgin and have no idea how sex actually works. And you can't use words like penis, cock, vagina, or pussy because that's so _vulgar_. Inconceivable! So your lemon boils down to:

_-and he put his male organ into her female organ and they had mad hot bunny-love all night long._

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	11. Amuurica!

Step Ten: Amurica!

OMG, suddenly everyone has a cellphone and Facebook?! Where have these things _been_ the entire series? Or have we suddenly jumped through a portal and landed in an AU? And even though we're in Japan, they should celebrate American holidays, because you say so.

_Justine: *text Naruto* Lyke OMG, have you heard that Ichiraku has a new diet ramen?_

_Sakura: *wails* I've been dating Sasuke for a whole two days, why won't he update his Facebook status to 'in a relationship'?!_

_Orochimaru: *Facebook message to Sasuke* Ssssso Sssssasssssuke-kun... what are going as for Halloween? I'm going as a doctor, wanna have a checkup?_

_Sasuke: *run away screaming and hide under his bed*_

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	12. Line Breaks

Step Eleven: Line Breaks

In no way at all, can you have any line breaks. They're not important and no one cares for them anyhow.

_La di da, we're following Justine while she completes some uber-amazing mission cuz she's ANBU at age 16. Oh wait, now we're in Orochimaru's evil lair while he makes dastardly evil plans to make a Village-destroy-inator?! When did _this _happen?!_

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	13. There's a climax?

Step Twelve: There's a climax?

So Orochimaru is suddenly attacking the village with his Village-destroy-inator. You know, that evil man that is the enemy of everyon and their mother? The one you conveniently forgot about until now? Yeah, he's attacking you right now. But you're so busy awesoming all over the place, that you beat him in two paragraphs or less. And now suddenly, the world is experiencing world peace. Because you are just that legen-wait for it-dary.

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	14. And they lived happily ever after

Step Thirteen: And they lived happily ever after

You're so awesome, that the Kami have decided to grant you three wishes. So you wish: Naruto's parents are alive. The Uchiha clan is alive. And everyone evil suddenly turns good. Everyone is happy now. Oh, and because you're madly in love with your boyfriend, you _have_ to get married. Even though you're only sixteen. Don't worry though, no one will reprimand you. After all, you _did_ save the universe and you can say it as many times as you want, because no one will go psycho on you. (don't worry, it's just an expression)

...

A/N: Pop quiz! How many pop culture references did you see in this chapter? Care to point them out?


	15. We're all going to Hell

We're all going Hell, you guys.

A/N: ...I'm going to Hell for writing this, aren't I? It was worth it.


	16. It pains me to say this

I feel I must add this, though it pains me to do this. This fic right here, this downright sad piece of work: it's satire. Say it with me: saaaaatiiiiire. not real, just a way to get a chuckle.


End file.
